Santa's Secret

I just figured out why Santa is so jolly. 

He's got a list of all of the bad girls!

Earl

Thanksgiving Postmortem

  While eating the Thanksgiving dinner at GreatGrandmas house, one of my son-in-laws commented on not wanting any casserole.  "I don't want anything to do with something that ends in ass-a-role."

I may have shit myself, I laughed so hard.

Fortunately,  Great Grandma is nearly deaf, and missed it.

I really like the guy.  It's great not being the only complete dick in the family.

Earl

October

October again.

Breast awareness month.

Ummm, really gang.  I don't need a special month for that.

Earl

Look Ma, No Hands!

An open letter to the people that design, build, buy or maintain automatic flush toilets.

To whom it may concern:

  I am an adult male, who on occasion, finds it necessary to use public restrooms for more serious matters.

   In the "old days", I would use the facilities, wipe, flush, wash my hands and leave.  I never found it to be too much trouble to do all of these steps, and actually felt kind of nice leaving with freshly washed hands to finish running my errands.

   Now, the flushing part has been taken out of my hands, so to speak, and therein lies the problem.  As an adult male, I don't wipe from the front.  Too many obstacles.   I lean forward, or to the side, or both to wipe.  When I do, far too often, the toilet flushes, spraying me with an solution of what I just finished doing in the toilet, mixed with a measurable amount of what the previous customers have left behind. 

   To save me from touching a "dirty handle", you shower my rear with a truly foul soup.  I have long been at a loss as to what I should DO about it.  I would usually just cuss, wipe what I can between flushes, pull up my britches, wash my hands and leave.

   Today I had an epiphany.  From now on if a toilet pre-flushes on me, I will stand up, shuffle out of the stall, and wash my ass in the sink.  Explain to your customers why THAT is better than letting them touching the handle.

  I can't wait to feel what it is like to have a freshly washed tush while I finish my errands.

Earl

Our Father

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden
Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes WAY!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he
hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was
angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did Not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.


Earl

P.U.

Oops.

Sometimes I volunteer, or get volunteered to do something I'm not really looking forward to.  Today was such a day.  An outing with some kids.  Fun, but not entirely what I had in mind.

Our oldest (adult) daughter showed up, and I kind of ducked out of the outing and let her go in my place.

As she was leaving, kids in tow, she gave me "the finger".  You know the one.  The index finger pointed at my heart that says "You. Owe. Me. Big. Time".

And I do.

Earl

Bovine Response Syndrome

Bovine Response Syndrome, alternatively known as Bovine Reaction Syndrome   (B.R.S.)

A common syndrome in famine effected areas and third world countries, B.R.S. is a relatively new disorder in the United States effecting a disproportionally large number of women between the ages of 16 and 50.

Symptoms can be:
 
    Mild confusion
    Slower mental response time to external stimuli
    Weakness, tiredness or light-headedness 
    Rapid heartbeat and breathing
    Vacant or vapid stare
    Pale skin
    Easy bruising or bleeding
    Slow reaction time to internal stimuli
    Stomach upset
    Diarrhea or constipation
    Weight loss
    Lack of decisiveness in thought and action

Long term symptoms can include:

    Tingling or numbness in fingers and toes
    Difficulty walking
    Mood changes or depression
    Memory loss, disorientation, and dementia

B.R.S. has historically been most often found in third world countries and areas hit by long term famine.  In the U.S., cases most often occur in large metropolitan areas like Boulder Colorado, Berkley California, Sedona Arizona, Austin Texas, or any urban area with a large liberal arts college.  The high incidence of localized cases in these areas are not likely caused by contagion, but by a lack of proper nutrition due to a shared culture of bizarre eating habits.

A pop culture example of a text book case of B.R.S. would be the character "Luna" in the "Harry Potter" movie series.

There have been a number insightful thesis on the possible cause of the aberrant eating habits in the western world that can cause this syndrome, and most involve anthropomorphism in animated movies, like Walt Disney's "Bambi".  There are enough cases in the United States for the victims to be labeled as a group or type.  They are often called "Granolas" or "Fruitcakes".

Additional research may be required to identify contributing factors (missing enzymes required for quick nerve reactions), but one major identified factor in the syndrome is a deficiency of vitamin B12 caused by aberrant eating habits.

Vitamin B12 (cobolamin) is not produced in plants, or by the human body, and needs to be absorbed by ingesting animal products.

Possible treatments of the Vitamin B12 deficiency entail drinking large quantities of "liver juice" (made from strained pureed animal livers), or taking massive doses of pharmaceutical B12, manufactured in factories using genetically altered bacteria excreting the compound before their ultimate destruction to complete the extraction of the compound.  Alternatively, one could eat meat, eggs and dairy products.



This study was sponsored by the North American Institute for the Abolition of Obfuscation Eschewal,  Keen Sense of the Obvious Chapter

Earl

Our Father"s Day

If you think about it, Jesus had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who is Everything?

It's a Rap.

Years ago I read an article on the different sections of the brain that were activated upon hearing sounds.   A brain scan on Japanese adults showed that when listening to western music, the same brain centers were activated as when the subjects listened to machine noise.

Oddly, this was before rap.

Earl

More on Ageing (Moron?)

I have reached the point of chronological enhancement where a quick trip to the Walmart blood pressure machine and a glance at the mirror just ain't enough to catch the things that can go wrong with my body.  I have to go to a doctor for a physical and get poked and prodded.

No damn fun.

I have also reached the time in life where my friends will call and talk of their health problems.  As a guy, this isn't the way we did it when we were younger.  In my experience, women have always seemed to get together and talk of "plumbing" problems, but with the guys, not so much.  Unless it was actually plumbing problems.  Pipes, valves, hot water tanks and the like.  Internal bodily failures were to be ignored until pointed out to you by someone else. 

Ignorance is bliss.

Now I have lived long enough to see what can happen if you ignore things too long, and it just ain't worth it.  So off to the doctor I go, even before major leakages occur.

I got a call from an old friend (Hmmm, Freudian slip?)  Anywhen, he called and complained about that "fat fingered bastard" doctor of his.  He was, however pleased with the lack of problems that showed up during his exam.  It was kind of an odd coincidence, because the next day I had a physical exam scheduled with MY doctor.

I have always preferred going to female doctors.  I guess when I don't feel good, I want my mommy (Also Freudian?).

By the end of the physical, after having dropped trou and been poked and prodded, I was given a clean bill of health.  She told me she would step out so I could get dressed and then we could finish the paperwork.  I think that is a woman thing.  I've had female message therapists make the same offer.  I gave her a blank stare, and just got dressed.  Really, after having a testicular palpitation and a prostrate exam, I figure our relationship was well beyond embarrassment at seeing me pull up my socks or zip my jeans.  

Female doctors seem to often have a kinder, gentler bedside manner, and are more likely, in my experience to explain what they are doing, and why.

But you know the best thing about female doctors?  Small fingers.

Earl

Overheard

The royal wedding is tomorrow.

Royal Bachelor's party must be tonight.  

Can you just see Prince William stuffing money with pictures of his grandma on them in strippers G-strings?

Marriage

The relationship between a man and his wife is an amazing thing.  The husband gives some small thing, and the woman makes it more.

If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart.
If you give her a house, she will give you a home.
If you give her some groceries, she will give you a meal.
If you give her your seed, she will give you a child.
If you give her your love, she will give you a life.

A word to the wise...

Don't give her any shit. 

Earl

TSA Xray

I'm pretty sure if the folks in any of the major department stores told their customers that the Mall Cops would be watching through peep holes as they changed clothes in the fitting rooms (for customer safety, to prevent thefts, and keep prices down),  their customers would stop showing up.

Do you people know where the TSA folks came from?  I have never met any law enforcement professionals that have professed to me how they long to work for the TSA (except for a few security guards that could only aspire to be baggage handlers).  All of the positions in TSA were filled in a matter of months, I suspect mostly with, if not rejects, then wanna-bees and has-beens from the private security forces in Americas retail army.

I worked as a rent-a-cop when I was in college.  It gives me the heebie-jeebies to think those folks are "protecting" my sorry ass.

I think I'll just walk.

Earl