The pessimist sees only a dark tunnel.
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees a train coming in the tunnel.
The engineer sees three morons sitting on the tracks.
Earl
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Read.
I should have figured it out sooner.
It's the shampoo I use in the shower.
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
I have gotten rid of the shampoo and I am going to start using dish detergent.
Its' label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." That should do it.
Geez, it sure pays to read the label!
Earl
It's the shampoo I use in the shower.
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
I have gotten rid of the shampoo and I am going to start using dish detergent.
Its' label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." That should do it.
Geez, it sure pays to read the label!
Earl
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Santa's Secret
I just figured out why Santa is so jolly.
He's got a list of all of the bad girls!
Earl
He's got a list of all of the bad girls!
Earl
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Thanksgiving Postmortem
While eating the Thanksgiving dinner at GreatGrandmas house, one of my son-in-laws commented on not wanting any casserole. "I don't want anything to do with something that ends in ass-a-role."
I may have shit myself, I laughed so hard.
Fortunately, Great Grandma is nearly deaf, and missed it.
I really like the guy. It's great not being the only complete dick in the family.
Earl
I may have shit myself, I laughed so hard.
Fortunately, Great Grandma is nearly deaf, and missed it.
I really like the guy. It's great not being the only complete dick in the family.
Earl
Thursday, October 6, 2011
October
October again.
Breast awareness month.
Ummm, really gang. I don't need a special month for that.
Earl
Breast awareness month.
Ummm, really gang. I don't need a special month for that.
Earl
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Look Ma, No Hands!
An open letter to the people that design, build, buy or maintain automatic flush toilets.
To whom it may concern:
I am an adult male, who on occasion, finds it necessary to use public restrooms for more serious matters.
In the "old days", I would use the facilities, wipe, flush, wash my hands and leave. I never found it to be too much trouble to do all of these steps, and actually felt kind of nice leaving with freshly washed hands to finish running my errands.
Now, the flushing part has been taken out of my hands, so to speak, and therein lies the problem. As an adult male, I don't wipe from the front. Too many obstacles. I lean forward, or to the side, or both to wipe. When I do, far too often, the toilet flushes, spraying me with an solution of what I just finished doing in the toilet, mixed with a measurable amount of what the previous customers have left behind.
To save me from touching a "dirty handle", you shower my rear with a truly foul soup. I have long been at a loss as to what I should DO about it. I would usually just cuss, wipe what I can between flushes, pull up my britches, wash my hands and leave.
Today I had an epiphany. From now on if a toilet pre-flushes on me, I will stand up, shuffle out of the stall, and wash my ass in the sink. Explain to your customers why THAT is better than letting them touching the handle.
I can't wait to feel what it is like to have a freshly washed tush while I finish my errands.
Earl
To whom it may concern:
I am an adult male, who on occasion, finds it necessary to use public restrooms for more serious matters.
In the "old days", I would use the facilities, wipe, flush, wash my hands and leave. I never found it to be too much trouble to do all of these steps, and actually felt kind of nice leaving with freshly washed hands to finish running my errands.
Now, the flushing part has been taken out of my hands, so to speak, and therein lies the problem. As an adult male, I don't wipe from the front. Too many obstacles. I lean forward, or to the side, or both to wipe. When I do, far too often, the toilet flushes, spraying me with an solution of what I just finished doing in the toilet, mixed with a measurable amount of what the previous customers have left behind.
To save me from touching a "dirty handle", you shower my rear with a truly foul soup. I have long been at a loss as to what I should DO about it. I would usually just cuss, wipe what I can between flushes, pull up my britches, wash my hands and leave.
Today I had an epiphany. From now on if a toilet pre-flushes on me, I will stand up, shuffle out of the stall, and wash my ass in the sink. Explain to your customers why THAT is better than letting them touching the handle.
I can't wait to feel what it is like to have a freshly washed tush while I finish my errands.
Earl
Friday, September 9, 2011
Our Father
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden
Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he
hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was
angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Earl
P.U.
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden
Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he
hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was
angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Earl
P.U.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Oops.
Sometimes I volunteer, or get volunteered to do something I'm not really looking forward to. Today was such a day. An outing with some kids. Fun, but not entirely what I had in mind.
Our oldest (adult) daughter showed up, and I kind of ducked out of the outing and let her go in my place.
As she was leaving, kids in tow, she gave me "the finger". You know the one. The index finger pointed at my heart that says "You. Owe. Me. Big. Time".
And I do.
Earl
Our oldest (adult) daughter showed up, and I kind of ducked out of the outing and let her go in my place.
As she was leaving, kids in tow, she gave me "the finger". You know the one. The index finger pointed at my heart that says "You. Owe. Me. Big. Time".
And I do.
Earl
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Bovine Response Syndrome
Bovine Response Syndrome, alternatively known as Bovine Reaction Syndrome (B.R.S.)
A common syndrome in famine effected areas and third world countries, B.R.S. is a relatively new disorder in the United States effecting a disproportionally large number of women between the ages of 16 and 50.
Symptoms can be:
Mild confusion
Slower mental response time to external stimuli
Weakness, tiredness or light-headedness
Rapid heartbeat and breathing
Vacant or vapid stare
Pale skin
Easy bruising or bleeding
Slow reaction time to internal stimuli
Stomach upset
Diarrhea or constipation
Weight loss
Lack of decisiveness in thought and action
Long term symptoms can include:
Tingling or numbness in fingers and toes
Difficulty walking
Mood changes or depression
Memory loss, disorientation, and dementia
B.R.S. has historically been most often found in third world countries and areas hit by long term famine. In the U.S., cases most often occur in large metropolitan areas like Boulder Colorado, Berkley California, Sedona Arizona, Austin Texas, or any urban area with a large liberal arts college. The high incidence of localized cases in these areas are not likely caused by contagion, but by a lack of proper nutrition due to a shared culture of bizarre eating habits.
A pop culture example of a text book case of B.R.S. would be the character "Luna" in the "Harry Potter" movie series.
There have been a number insightful thesis on the possible cause of the aberrant eating habits in the western world that can cause this syndrome, and most involve anthropomorphism in animated movies, like Walt Disney's "Bambi". There are enough cases in the United States for the victims to be labeled as a group or type. They are often called "Granolas" or "Fruitcakes".
Additional research may be required to identify contributing factors (missing enzymes required for quick nerve reactions), but one major identified factor in the syndrome is a deficiency of vitamin B12 caused by aberrant eating habits.
Vitamin B12 (cobolamin) is not produced in plants, or by the human body, and needs to be absorbed by ingesting animal products.
Possible treatments of the Vitamin B12 deficiency entail drinking large quantities of "liver juice" (made from strained pureed animal livers), or taking massive doses of pharmaceutical B12, manufactured in factories using genetically altered bacteria excreting the compound before their ultimate destruction to complete the extraction of the compound. Alternatively, one could eat meat, eggs and dairy products.
This study was sponsored by the North American Institute for the Abolition of Obfuscation Eschewal, Keen Sense of the Obvious Chapter
Earl
A common syndrome in famine effected areas and third world countries, B.R.S. is a relatively new disorder in the United States effecting a disproportionally large number of women between the ages of 16 and 50.
Symptoms can be:
Mild confusion
Slower mental response time to external stimuli
Weakness, tiredness or light-headedness
Rapid heartbeat and breathing
Vacant or vapid stare
Pale skin
Easy bruising or bleeding
Slow reaction time to internal stimuli
Stomach upset
Diarrhea or constipation
Weight loss
Lack of decisiveness in thought and action
Long term symptoms can include:
Tingling or numbness in fingers and toes
Difficulty walking
Mood changes or depression
Memory loss, disorientation, and dementia
B.R.S. has historically been most often found in third world countries and areas hit by long term famine. In the U.S., cases most often occur in large metropolitan areas like Boulder Colorado, Berkley California, Sedona Arizona, Austin Texas, or any urban area with a large liberal arts college. The high incidence of localized cases in these areas are not likely caused by contagion, but by a lack of proper nutrition due to a shared culture of bizarre eating habits.
A pop culture example of a text book case of B.R.S. would be the character "Luna" in the "Harry Potter" movie series.
There have been a number insightful thesis on the possible cause of the aberrant eating habits in the western world that can cause this syndrome, and most involve anthropomorphism in animated movies, like Walt Disney's "Bambi". There are enough cases in the United States for the victims to be labeled as a group or type. They are often called "Granolas" or "Fruitcakes".
Additional research may be required to identify contributing factors (missing enzymes required for quick nerve reactions), but one major identified factor in the syndrome is a deficiency of vitamin B12 caused by aberrant eating habits.
Vitamin B12 (cobolamin) is not produced in plants, or by the human body, and needs to be absorbed by ingesting animal products.
Possible treatments of the Vitamin B12 deficiency entail drinking large quantities of "liver juice" (made from strained pureed animal livers), or taking massive doses of pharmaceutical B12, manufactured in factories using genetically altered bacteria excreting the compound before their ultimate destruction to complete the extraction of the compound. Alternatively, one could eat meat, eggs and dairy products.
This study was sponsored by the North American Institute for the Abolition of Obfuscation Eschewal, Keen Sense of the Obvious Chapter
Earl
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Our Father"s Day
If you think about it, Jesus had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who is Everything?
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