Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Look Ma, No Hands!

An open letter to the people that design, build, buy or maintain automatic flush toilets.

To whom it may concern:

  I am an adult male, who on occasion, finds it necessary to use public restrooms for more serious matters.

   In the "old days", I would use the facilities, wipe, flush, wash my hands and leave.  I never found it to be too much trouble to do all of these steps, and actually felt kind of nice leaving with freshly washed hands to finish running my errands.

   Now, the flushing part has been taken out of my hands, so to speak, and therein lies the problem.  As an adult male, I don't wipe from the front.  Too many obstacles.   I lean forward, or to the side, or both to wipe.  When I do, far too often, the toilet flushes, spraying me with an solution of what I just finished doing in the toilet, mixed with a measurable amount of what the previous customers have left behind. 

   To save me from touching a "dirty handle", you shower my rear with a truly foul soup.  I have long been at a loss as to what I should DO about it.  I would usually just cuss, wipe what I can between flushes, pull up my britches, wash my hands and leave.

   Today I had an epiphany.  From now on if a toilet pre-flushes on me, I will stand up, shuffle out of the stall, and wash my ass in the sink.  Explain to your customers why THAT is better than letting them touching the handle.

  I can't wait to feel what it is like to have a freshly washed tush while I finish my errands.


Friday, September 9, 2011

Our Father

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden

"No way!"

"Yes WAY!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.


"Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he
hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did Not!"

"DID so!"


Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.



Monday, September 5, 2011


Sometimes I volunteer, or get volunteered to do something I'm not really looking forward to.  Today was such a day.  An outing with some kids.  Fun, but not entirely what I had in mind.

Our oldest (adult) daughter showed up, and I kind of ducked out of the outing and let her go in my place.

As she was leaving, kids in tow, she gave me "the finger".  You know the one.  The index finger pointed at my heart that says "You. Owe. Me. Big. Time".

And I do.