I was going through some old news papers to send to recycling, when I ran across an article. Osama Bin Laden lived in a house with his 3 wives and never left the building for 5 years.
I'll be HE called the seals in.
Earl
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
No Surprise Here
Makes sense.
If I got shot in the back of the head, I'd probably look behind me, too.
Earl
Monday, January 23, 2012
Oh, Now I Get It.
Sometimes I run into a benign little joke that is just wrong enough on enough levels, that I can't help but love it.
What did the male unicorn say to the female unicorn when the arc doors closed?
"This cruise is going to be fabulous!"
Earl
What did the male unicorn say to the female unicorn when the arc doors closed?
"This cruise is going to be fabulous!"
Earl
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Point of View
The pessimist sees only a dark tunnel.
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees a train coming in the tunnel.
The engineer sees three morons sitting on the tracks.
Earl
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees a train coming in the tunnel.
The engineer sees three morons sitting on the tracks.
Earl
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Read.
I should have figured it out sooner.
It's the shampoo I use in the shower.
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
I have gotten rid of the shampoo and I am going to start using dish detergent.
Its' label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." That should do it.
Geez, it sure pays to read the label!
Earl
It's the shampoo I use in the shower.
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
I have gotten rid of the shampoo and I am going to start using dish detergent.
Its' label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." That should do it.
Geez, it sure pays to read the label!
Earl
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Santa's Secret
I just figured out why Santa is so jolly.
He's got a list of all of the bad girls!
Earl
He's got a list of all of the bad girls!
Earl
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Thanksgiving Postmortem
While eating the Thanksgiving dinner at GreatGrandmas house, one of my son-in-laws commented on not wanting any casserole. "I don't want anything to do with something that ends in ass-a-role."
I may have shit myself, I laughed so hard.
Fortunately, Great Grandma is nearly deaf, and missed it.
I really like the guy. It's great not being the only complete dick in the family.
Earl
I may have shit myself, I laughed so hard.
Fortunately, Great Grandma is nearly deaf, and missed it.
I really like the guy. It's great not being the only complete dick in the family.
Earl
Thursday, October 6, 2011
October
October again.
Breast awareness month.
Ummm, really gang. I don't need a special month for that.
Earl
Breast awareness month.
Ummm, really gang. I don't need a special month for that.
Earl
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Look Ma, No Hands!
An open letter to the people that design, build, buy or maintain automatic flush toilets.
To whom it may concern:
I am an adult male, who on occasion, finds it necessary to use public restrooms for more serious matters.
In the "old days", I would use the facilities, wipe, flush, wash my hands and leave. I never found it to be too much trouble to do all of these steps, and actually felt kind of nice leaving with freshly washed hands to finish running my errands.
Now, the flushing part has been taken out of my hands, so to speak, and therein lies the problem. As an adult male, I don't wipe from the front. Too many obstacles. I lean forward, or to the side, or both to wipe. When I do, far too often, the toilet flushes, spraying me with an solution of what I just finished doing in the toilet, mixed with a measurable amount of what the previous customers have left behind.
To save me from touching a "dirty handle", you shower my rear with a truly foul soup. I have long been at a loss as to what I should DO about it. I would usually just cuss, wipe what I can between flushes, pull up my britches, wash my hands and leave.
Today I had an epiphany. From now on if a toilet pre-flushes on me, I will stand up, shuffle out of the stall, and wash my ass in the sink. Explain to your customers why THAT is better than letting them touching the handle.
I can't wait to feel what it is like to have a freshly washed tush while I finish my errands.
Earl
To whom it may concern:
I am an adult male, who on occasion, finds it necessary to use public restrooms for more serious matters.
In the "old days", I would use the facilities, wipe, flush, wash my hands and leave. I never found it to be too much trouble to do all of these steps, and actually felt kind of nice leaving with freshly washed hands to finish running my errands.
Now, the flushing part has been taken out of my hands, so to speak, and therein lies the problem. As an adult male, I don't wipe from the front. Too many obstacles. I lean forward, or to the side, or both to wipe. When I do, far too often, the toilet flushes, spraying me with an solution of what I just finished doing in the toilet, mixed with a measurable amount of what the previous customers have left behind.
To save me from touching a "dirty handle", you shower my rear with a truly foul soup. I have long been at a loss as to what I should DO about it. I would usually just cuss, wipe what I can between flushes, pull up my britches, wash my hands and leave.
Today I had an epiphany. From now on if a toilet pre-flushes on me, I will stand up, shuffle out of the stall, and wash my ass in the sink. Explain to your customers why THAT is better than letting them touching the handle.
I can't wait to feel what it is like to have a freshly washed tush while I finish my errands.
Earl
Friday, September 9, 2011
Our Father
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden
Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he
hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was
angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Earl
P.U.
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden
Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he
hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was
angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Earl
P.U.
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