Point of View

In my current job, I do some light bartender duties.  And the customers will talk to me for advice or just to vent. 

Recently a gal was complaining about another gal she was running a business with  and ended her rant with "I guess I should never talk with her on the day I start my period."

In my best barkeep manner to told her "I'm just glad I'm a guy so I don't have to worry about that.  But I'm REALLY glad I'm not a chicken.  They have about 20 periods a month, and the unfertilized egg THEY pass is the same size a a full term birth."

She left saying she wasn't sure if that made her feel better or worse.

I call that a win.

Earl

Another Epiphany

Sitting down a few nights ago, and having a couple fingers of whiskey, I realized something.  I have always thought of myself as "pro-choice" as far a abortion goes.  That said, I have never had sex with a woman whose children I wanted to kill.

But the not wanting to kill thing does not necessarily apply to all of my ex-lovers.

I'm "selectively post natal pro abortion".

Earl

More Insites into BLM Activities

Our staff has uncovered evidence that the BLM (Bureau of Land Management) is actually being headed and staffed by aliens bent on world domination, the  elimination of human life on our planet and THE END OF THE AMERICAN WAY OF LIFE!!!

Over the years our crack staff has uncovered a number of OBVIOUSLY ILLEGAL and VERY SUSPICIOUS undertakings by the members of the BLM cult.

They alternately allow the rape of the land by BIG OIL and BIG MINING companies for little or no recompense to the American citizens, or they ACTIVELY PREVENT the development of our National Resources fostering dependance on FOREIGN COUNTRIES for our energy and mineral needs!

They are also responsible for allowing HUNDREDS or even THOUSANDS of USELESS FERAL HORSES to run on BLM managed land, competing with the millions of cattle that graze on that same property.  Then they will FORCE BIRTH CONTROL on these horses by darting them with BIRTH CONTROL CHEMICALS!  They will also CHASE THESE BEAUTIFUL WILD HORSES with helicopters (we suspect they are using the black helicopters borrowed from the "others" at the United Nations) and using "Judas" horses--their name, not ours-- they TRICK the mustangs into holding pens, TO SELL TO THE UNSUSPECTING AMERICAN PUBLIC!

The BLM is trying to do an impossible job, and they just won't quit.  THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG HERE!

It is time for all Americans to STAND UP and WHINE about the job they are doing.

Earl

A Gentle Reminder...

In my current line of work, I deal with a lot of "women's groups", and am often the only male in attendance.  I don't know if you have spent much time near groups of females, but the conversation often turns to "plumbing problems".

Now when guys talk about plumbing problems, it's usually about "sweating joints" or "threading the iron pipe" or "plunging for 20 minutes"  or "snaking out the line".  None of which are as interesting as they sound.

When women talk about plumbing problems, they are talking a little closer to home.  THEIR plumbing.  And the conversations usually devolve to horror stories involving childbirth.

This morning, I figured out how to trump their "greatest pain ever" stuff.

I told them that I had heard that a man getting kicked in the testicles experiences far more pain than a woman giving birth.  And a proof, I said that a couple years after getting kicked in the nuts, he will NEVER tell his wife "You know dear, I think you should kick me in the balls again..."

Earl

An Epiphany

I have come to a realization about myself.  I am a straight, heterosexual male (no, that is not the epiphany).  I have realized that I am not ambivalent about gay marriage.  I am actively PRO gay marriage.

My reasoning is thus-

Every time you see a male couple going down the street in a committed relationship, that means there are two females that are now available.  I see no down side to that, personally.

And with the female homosexuals/lesbians...  really, what straight man doesn't think that's kinda hot?

Earl

Change the Names to Protect the Innocent

I have heard that the NFL is contemplating name changes away from native American based monickers to keep from offending anyone.

Might I suggest changing the Washington DC team name from the Redskins to the Foreskins.

Who cares if any of the dickheads in that town are offended.

Earl

In the News

So, Archbishop Andre-Joseph Leonard was attacked in Europe by four gay, topless women yesterday who poured water on him.

The news reports make this sound like a bad thing to have happen to you.

As a straight male, I have to disagree.

My inner adolescent thinks  it sounds like a pretty good gig (except for the whole celibate thing).

Earl

Papers Please

I was thinking about background checks for gun ownership.  It troubles me, but I can see their point.  You don't necessarily want criminals or crazys running around armed.  It's just asking for trouble.  But what a pain in the rear to have to get a new background check every time you want to by a gun (or some ammo...). 

Perhaps they should issue a card.  We could call it a Citizen In Good Standing card. "CIGS" card for short.

You could go into a gunshop, flash your card and pay for your gun.  No fuss- no muss.  Easy peasy.

Get in trouble with the law, loose your card.  Period.  No more guns for you, bad boy.

But why stop there?  We could require a card for ALL constitutionally guaranteed rights! 
Do we really want crazy criminals running around unchecked and doing ANYTHING important?

Want to vote?  Flash your "CIGS" card at the polls.
Want to go to your church/mosque/temple? "CIGS" card at the door, please.
Suffrage? If you can show your card and we'll treat you like a person.
Search and seizure?  Got a card and we'll get a warrant first.
Due process?  Trial by jury of your peers?  Counsel?  Show your get out of jail with fee card.
Freedom of speech?  Freedom of the press?  Citizens in good standing only, please.
(Maybe an IQ test should also be required for a press card.  Nah, that would kill talk radio...)

 Requiring a background check/card would anger the right/left/moderates totally and equally.  That makes it the ideal compromise.

We would be one step closer to the "Show me your papers" society our parents and grand parents fought against in WW2 as envisioned and implemented by the Nazis.

A safe society indeed. Citizens in good standing only may complain.

Earl

Too Damn Soon

The past couple of days the web has been abuzz with conspiracy theories about the guv'ment being responsible for the Boston bombing.

I ask,"To what end?"

This evening I may have figured it out.  Someone in the FBI or maybe the State Department is a "barefoot running" advocate.  It is a cinch that now the Dept of Homeland Security will require runners to take their shoes off before running the Boston Marathon next year.

The tinfoil hat brigade may be on to something this time...


Earl

My deepest sympathies to all effected by the bombing.