You Go, Joe

It's after Christmas, and I was shuffling around a nativity scene, when I noticed I was holding Joesph by his head.  "Sorry Joe, you have enough problems without this indignity" I thought.  And at that moment, I realized he must be the patron saint of step-fathers.

His kid's bio-dad was God.  Man, that would be a tough act to follow.

Earl

Murder Investigations

I have heard that it's difficult to solve back-woods murders.  All the DNA is the same, and there are no dental records...

Earl

Summertime!

So, today is the first day of summer.  That means we get fewer daylight hours each day till next winter.


Shit.

Earl

Life Happens

 Sorry- I had to step away from the computer for a minute. I'm baaack.
Recently read that if life doesn't give you water and sugar too, your lemonade is going to suck.  True that.
Enough.

  Just had a couple friends come stay with us over the holiday.  He is first generation Chinese American and she's a blond midwestern type.  I hear his folks told him as a kid "You bring home a nice Chinese girl for us to meet."  As a young adult it became "You bring home a nice Asian girl for us to meet."  As he got older still it became "You bring home a nice girl for us to meet."  He took her home to meet them.  At least she's a girl...

 One evening I heard her tell him he was so full of shit his eyes were brown.  He told her her head was so full of air, her eyes were blue.  I hadn't heard the blue eyed one before.  Made me laugh.

Earl

Feeding My Inner Geek

There are only 10 types of people in the world.  Those who understand binary and those who don't.

The Wind

This morning , while listening to my wife talk, I realized I hear "the wind beneath my wings"  Sound's great.

Eating a meal with another couple and  listening to his wife talking, I heard "the sand in my scrambled eggs".  Sounds grate.

Her husband seemed happy enough, though.  Different yolks for different folks, I guess.

(Not that I always want wind beneath my wings... makes it hard to land and just hang out.)

Earl

Do It Now!

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?

Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!

Using only the computer you have now and from your own home!

Try it!

Follow this simple procedure:

1. Hold down the shift key.
2. Hit the 4 key four times.

Email me for info on how to make a payment to my paypal account!
Earl

Religion Happens

  Theology a la carte.  Take your pick.



Taoism ----- shit happens

Hare Krishna ----- shit happens; Rama Lama Ding-Dong

Hinduism ----- This shit happened before

Islam ----- if shit happens, take a hostage

Zen ----- What is the sound of shit happening?

Buddhism ----- When shit happens is it really shit?

Confucianism ----- Confucius says, “shit happens”

7th Day Adventist ----- shit happens on Saturdays

Protestantism ----- shit won’t happen if I work harder.

Catholicism ----- if shit happens I deserve it.

Jehovah’s Witness ----- knock, knock, “shit happens.”

Unitarian ----- what is this shit

Mormon ----- shit happens, again, and again, and again…

Judaism ----- why does this shit always happen to me.
Judaism #2----- shit wouldn't happen if you would just listen to your mother.

Rastafarianism ----- this is good shit.

Seen this before.  Still makes me smile.
PU

We're Number One!

Got this in a email from a friend. 

To nice to not share.


....................../´¯/)
....................,/¯../
.................../..../
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯\
........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
.........\.......\.........'...../
..........\...\.......... _.·´
............\..............(

Have a nice day.
PU

Change

Change.  Let me check.  Yup, still have some.  I'll be damned.  I'm always surprised when a politician keeps a promise.
Earl

Name in vain

A bishop and two priests walked into a bar.  Nope, not a joke. My bar, a couple months back.  Had the perfect opportunity to ask a theological question that has been eating away at me for years.

 Which comes closer to breaking one of the commandments.  Exclaiming "Oh Hell!" or "Good Heavens!"  Didn't ever get around to asking them, so I guess I'll just stick to my old standbys... bodily functions.  Kiss my mucus membranes, you phlegm hole.



Earl

Ya Feel'n Lucky?

  I had heard it was good luck to hang one above your door, so the search was on.

They are not as easy to find as you might think, and prying them off their owners can be a challenge.

  But the way things are going, I had to make the attempt.




 Got'em!  Mounted one above the door and displayed it with pride.

 

 Then I'm told  "Horse" Shoes.    NO SHIT?!?  "HORSE" SHOES?!?   Man, those would have been a LOT easier to get hold of.  They just fall off, and you can pick them up and nobody chases you down back alleyways screaming obscenities, yelling about "fetishes" and demanding extra cash.

.

But really guys, which one makes YOU feel lucky?

Earl

Job Rankings

Seems to me a reasonable test to determine the importance of an individual's job would be to see the effect it would have on people if he were to have a heart attack and stop doing his job.  Any bus driver should be paid FAR more than any CEO.
Earl

Baghdad Nights

Saddam Hussein was hung (hanged? Shit, I forget) for "policy decisions" that killed 148 Iraqi civilians. President George W. Bush should avoid vacationing in Baghdad.  President Obama should give it a second thought, too.

Earl

Truck tail

 I was in a parking lot pulling into a gas station to fuel up my truck yesterday.  Damn thing turns like a truck, so I bumped a curb.   I stopped at the curb and put it in reverse to back up away from the curb.  CRUNCH!!! And a small shudder ran through the truck.  Shit, and my foot was still on the brake, I hadn't moved.  I got out and saw I was still up against the curb.    The guy that hit me climbed out of his car and asked  "What happened? Did you back into me?  I was messing with my phone and didn't see what happened."
  " I was messing with my phone and didn't see what happened"
  "I WAS MESSING WITH MY PHONE AND DIDN'T SEE WHAT HAPPENED"!!!

Fortunately I have a horrible trailer hitch welded onto the back of my 1 ton flatbed that totally fucked up his headlight/bumper/grill/fender and I didn't even loose any paint.  I told him  "No damage to me buddy, it's your call.  Cops or no cops".   He drove away, a prime candidate for natural de-selection.

"I WAS MESSING WITH MY PHONE AND DIDN'T SEE WHAT HAPPENED"

That was a $1000 phone call, buddy.  Hope she was worth it.
Hang up and drive.
Earl

Ford ad

Hear thee this.

I have witnessed for my Ford for all of my adult life, converting many followers of what I felt were the lesser trucks of Dodge and Chevy.  NEVER MORE!  I REPENT!  I AM HEALED! NEVER AGAIN SHALL I FORD MYSELF!

My tale is this-

A man I have spoken with for many years would never hear my words, even with great and long presusave arguments on my part, and continued to follow the Truck Of Chevy,  Of late he had a 2004 one ton.  Year last, it was touched by injector demons and was on it's bed of death when Chevy spoke and said "No way a diesel should die after 140,000 miles" and it was touched by the Chevy priests and became whole!  "No charge" they spoke "We have seen that you are a good and faithful follower, and we have extended your warranty to 200,000 miles as no diesel should last less".  A fortnight later mine Ford didth crap out. Demons in the injectors, in the fuel distributor, in the oil cooler, in the fuel pump, in the... .   The Ford priests did tell me "Yer truck's got 140,000 mile on it.  Yer warranty's up".

My Ford!  Why hast thou forsaken me?

Over the next 12 month, I was caused to tithe 10% of my company's GROSS income to Ford to have my truck resurrected, with many trips to the temple.  I called the high priests at Deerborn to seek scuore, saying "No way a diesel should die after 140,000 miles", but they spake thus "You should have bought the extended warranty".  Nay... I should have bought a Chevy.

That being said, here is your chance to "Learn The Hard Way"!  I will sell you a 2004 F350 with a 6.0 diesel for $32000 (I need that much to pay off my loan to get it running and have enough left over to buy a used Dodge or Chevy one ton). The truck is GREAT, but that 6.0 diesel...I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!

Cash only, in advance. No refunds. As is. No Warranty (HA!  Boy, I'll say) 
Have a nice day!

                 
                              (I see they circled the problem)
Earl

Ageing Gracefully

Getting old sucks.  Being old REALLY sucks.  But it still beats the alternative...
Earl

Wanna kiss a frog?

I'm not sure I understand the new grooming stuff going on with men.  My high school biology teacher claimed
the 3 most notable differences setting mammals apart from other animals were: Three bones in the inner ear,
mammary glands and hair.  Can't say I care so much about ear bones, but I am all about hair and mammaries.  Ladies, if you are after hairless, go to a pet store and get yourself a fish.

Manscaping?

Really? 

How about a trip to the doctor for an orchiectomy.  The resulting loss of testosterone could complete your transformation to looking like a 12 year old.  You're on line.  Google it.
Earl

Short? HA!

Thirty days has September, April June and November.  All the rest have thirty one except February that is about 400 days long and it's fuckin snowing again.  Enough already.
Earl

Do you suppose if we quit voting, they would just go away?
Earl

The People You Meet

Half of the people you talk to each day are below average, unless you have a radio talk show. Then the IQ's really tank.
Earl

BFF

I have a friend that just got a law degree and will soon be a lawyer.
I wondered, "Can I still be friends with this person?"
Then I remembered, dogs are a man's BEST friend.

Earl

Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO)

Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO). 100% of people exposed to Dihydrogen Monoxide have died since the use of this substance began. Following are some risks associated with DHMO:

Death due to accidental inhalation of DHMO, even in small quantities.

Prolonged exposure to solid DHMO causes severe tissue damage.

Excessive ingestion produces a number of unpleasant though not typically life-threatening side-effects.

DHMO is a major component of acid rain.
Gaseous DHMO can cause severe burns.
Contributes to soil erosion.

Leads to corrosion and oxidation of many metals.

Contamination of electrical systems often causes short-circuits.

Exposure decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.

Found in biopsies of pre-cancerous tumors and lesions.

Given to vicious dogs involved in recent deadly attacks.

Often associated with killer cyclones in the U.S. Midwest and elsewhere, and in hurricanes including deadly storms in Florida, New Orleans and other areas of the southeastern U.S.

Thermal variations in DHMO are a suspected contributor to the El Nino weather effect.
PU

Remember?

Back in the 60's, then president "LBJ" managed to get us heavily involved in the conflict in Vietnam. An un-winnable quagmire. Fourty years later then president "W" managed to get us into a conflict in Iraq. Another un-winnable quagmire.

These damn Texan politicians don't want to remember the Alamo, they want to reenact it.

Earl

Short fairy tales

FOR HER
A beautiful princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel lucky for doing so." That night as the princess had frogs legs for dinner, she thought "I don't fucking think so".


FOR HIM
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons
of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end

PU

A little about sex

"Sex" is not the answer.


"Sex" is the question.


"Yes" is the answer.

PU

Bumper Stickers (B.S?)

Some bumper stickers I have seen and love, but can't put on my car.

Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious .
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

PU

noydbyah

NoneOfYourDamnBusinessYouAssHole (in case you were wondering).